April is National C-Section Awareness month. I remember before I had our boys I would see posts about this and be so scared to have a section happen. I thought that will NEVER be me.
When we conceived our first son, Grady, I immediately hired our amazing doula team Tranquility by Hehe. I remember during our first prenatal call Hehe asked me what my ideal birth experience would be.
Truthfully, after navigating years of infertility it was hard for me to change my mindset from conception to birth. I knew SO much about conception and infertility at this point but the idea of birth, birth plan and bringing home a newborn was foreign to me and not something I had even given much thought to yet.
With my husband sitting next to me, I tried to imagine what I wanted. Natural birth. Zero medications, no epidural, dimly lit room with candles, soft music. No tearing. And NO c-section.
It almost makes me laugh a little bit now. How wildly different from plan our first birth went. The amount that Grady's birth experience taught me...so much. And it led me to decisions made for our second son's birth.
I have done much meditating, dissecting, and questioning of Grady's birth over the last 2.5 years. My husband and I have replayed the days of labor and birth over and over. What could we have done differently? I have thought to myself, "Where did I go wrong?"
I am, thankfully, to a point where it all makes sense. And I would love to share my birth experiences with you. Two wildly different scineros. Two wildly different births. Two wildly incredible children.
August 2021st at 41 weeks and 5 days I decided I was comfortable starting a gentle induction process. Grady had been due to be born on my husbands birthday, August 11th. For some reason we really thought he would be born that day! So the let down was huge. We started to wonder is this baby EVER coming out?!
Being overly pregnant in August is a special kind of "fun". There was basically nothing I could do at this point to get comfortable and we were simply SO ready to meet our little guy.
What does a gentle induction process look like? We went in on a Monday morning to be administered misoprostol. This is a pill that will soften the cervix, potentially causing contractions to begin labor.
I had taken this before after the horrible 9 week loss of our baby girl. It was used to pass the tissue and avoid a D & C. I would be lying if I said that taking this medication didn't cause any PTSD. Because it did. But I pushed that out of my mind and kept moving my thoughts towards getting our boy out safely.
They needed to do a cervical check to determine if anything was at all happening, I knew the risks of an exam and in order to properly begin an induction process I felt that there was more benefit than risk.
I was not dilated at all. Nada. Zero. The check for me was absolutely excruciating to the point of hysterical cries. I was shaking. Sick with pain. This midwife had LARGE HANDS.
Now, at 41 weeks and 5 days pregnant with your first baby it is not uncommon to see no progress at this point, but little did we know what was ahead. Looking back this was a sign, but without a crystal ball there is NO way of knowing! We can only use our education, knowledge and make as clear decisions as we can in these moments.
We went back later that evening for a second pill. The hope was that overnight something would start happening.
Zip. Nada. Nothing.
We go back the next morning for another pill but this time we checked into our room. We were so excited and really thought that our boy would be arriving soon.
With lack of progress and advice from our midwife, we decided to try a Cook's balloon. An inflated balloon in the vagina putting pressure on the cervix. The hope here is that with enough pressure this will in fact soften the cervix creating dilation. Typically, once the balloon has done its job, the mother is about 3-4cm dilated.
After 24 hours of this balloon up there (the most uncomfortable feeling, it came out! I must be dilated! Let's get this party going.
With a little bit of laughing gas I endured another cervical check only to find out...no dilation.
The mental strength was waring. We were frustrated. Exhausted. So eager to meet our son. I WANTED to feel the pains of contractions.
Come Thursday we decided on a medication called cervadil. This was kind of like a tampon. But smaller. A piece of cotton placed in the cervix. Administration was not comfortable but again the laughing gas helped.
One of our favorite midwives tried to tell me this can take several days. Hang tight. Baby will come out eventually.
Over 42 weeks pregnant. I NEEDED this baby out.
I remember making a list on my phone for Chris to go to CVS. I wanted a hair dryer, shampoo, conditioner, lotion. I felt so gross and wanted to spruce myself up. It had been DAYS.
Being the great partner that my husband is, he calmly explained that we probably don't have time for all of this. To try and rest.
I started to get super uncomfortable. The most awful aches in my glutes, my hips. I remember just heavy aches. I could not get comfortable. We tried adjusting many positions. Heating pad on my lower back.
I didn't realize that this was all early labor.
Around 7pm I was starving. Chris said to me "If you can have anything at all to eat right now what would it be?". I said "Fresh fruit and a green juice". He smiled and said all of those places were closed. "Wendy's"?
Now, I loved a good frosty here and there throughout pregnancy, but I never actually eat fast food. It grosses me out! But I was starving and didn't care. "I'll take a spicy chicken sandwich, fries and a chocolate frosty".
I still remember how it tasted!
and...BOOM.
Labor hit like a BAT out of hell.
My contractions came on so fast and so hard. I had told the amazing midwife earlier that after all these days, lack of sleep and complete soreness of my entire body if I asked for the epidural...GIVE it to me.
I basically blacked out. All I remember is pacing around the room completely naked (I could not have anything touching me) feeling the most intense bone breaking pain of my life. No position helped. Water didn't help. Nothing. My contractions were 30 seconds apart and I was only 3 cm dilated. This was not sustainable.
It was like all the meds hit me at once and my body was in overdrive.
My husbands memory of the epidural around 1am was traumatic. When I say I was blacked out...I mean it. I remember little to nothing. He held me so close and so tightly while the anesthesiologist administered the epidural. It was scary. I had to breathe through contractions knowing it could NOT move. I think my mind went into another world.
Once the epidural hit it was glorious. I felt happy. Calm. Relaxed. My body relaxed so much that after a short amount of time my water broke on its own! And we deiced to add in very very low Pitocin.
Adding high Pitocin quickly has many risks including tearing and c-section. Since we got my body working so slowly we felt comfortable adding a little bit (Like 1-2 units). I stayed at 5cm for hours. No improvement.
Now, this would have been ok but the baby had a special monitor attached to his skull (crazy!) and it was showing that for hours he was having major decels to heart rate. Not a few, but many. And lingering low.
August 27th, 2021, still optimistic, my husband was preparing for another LONG day of labor and wanted to run out to Starbucks for a coffee. Of course! We told him. Nothing happening here.
I was blissfully resting and not super concerned about the heart rate. But while Chris was out getting coffee, just after 6am I see our midwife walk in with an OB by her side.
Pit in my stomach immediately. Why is an OB coming in here?
The OB very empathetic and calmly explained to me and my doula that our baby has been unhappy more than he has been happy in there. He was showing distress and his lingering decels were concerning. They no longer wanted to risk and advised an immediate cesarean.
Punch. To. My. Gut.
Sitting here over 42 weeks pregnant after 5 days of induction planning for as natural a birth as possible. Ready to keep going. Determined. I don't think I will ever forget how I felt in that moment. I remember sobbing uncontrollably. I had worked SO hard. We had worked SO hard.
I called my husband (we literally can't believe the timing of his coffee run still to this day) and he was pulling into the parking lot when we got him on the phone.
I called my mom right away. She tells me now she felt such relief with this phone call. She works with handicapped children and there are several who suffer from birth injury.
After no more than 30 mins I was on the operating table and a few minutes later we were watching our beautiful and perfect son being lifted into the world. His cry. His SCREAM! Grady Christopher had entered the chat.
We had a clear curtain so we saw him take his first breath, It was amazing. We found out immediately that he had an unusually short umbilical cord. Not only was it short but it was tightly wrapped around his waist. He was trying so hard to descend but it was not going to happen. My amazing midwife told me that even at 10cm this baby was not coming out vaginally. I was also told that "If Dr. Mello says you need a section, you need a section". She is a very holistic OB and had both her children at a birth center with a med-free birth. I did find peace in that. But, also envy.
I would be lying if I said I did not grieve the birth I envisioned. I ended up suffering from Postpartum Anxiety and felt obsessive over the 'why' of my c-section. I felt extreme guilt that Grady was exposed to antibiotics at birth, that he didn't have the 5 minutes + of delayed cord clamping I was hoping for, and that I, his mother, was not the first to hold him.
These feelings plagued me for months.
The love and gratitude I felt for having a healthy baby born was immeasurable. But I still felt like WHY did my birth go this way after the struggle to conceive; couldn't I have anything go my way?
What healed me...
When Grady was 11 months old we conceived his baby brother. Another miracle to take us by surprise. We found out I was expecting the day after Grady's 1st birthday! My entire pregnancy I was planning for a VBAC attempt. I said I 'refused' to have another section.
But as this pregnancy went on, my husband and our doulas and I talked about my options until we had no words left. I so appreciated everyones patience!
At 38 weeks pregnant I decided to schedule a planned c section. I chose the doctor. I chose the day. I was in control. My husband undoubtably relieved.
ME.
I felt an actual weight lifted off my shoulders. It was a feeling that was freeing and invigorating.
April 28th, 2023, the day of birth I proudly walked (more like waddled) into the operating room and laid down on the table. With my hair freshly washed and playlist selected I was present and focused. With a clear and steady mind I remember every detail of this birth. And again, through a clear curtain, with Foo Fighters "Big Me" acoustic softly playing we watched our precious second son take his first breath, Bennett William. Bennett means 'blessed'.
This birth restored my postpartum heart. Healed me. Taught me so much and gave me strength.
It allowed me to trust the process, trust myself, and truly...see. See my own strength and the bad-ass birthing mother that no matter what, I was.
And ironically, it was April. National Cesarean Awareness Month.
Thank you to my boys. I adore you both forever. And I would be cut open on an operating table 10,000 more times for you.
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